It Has Happened

“What has happened?” –

Well my dears put the kettle on, make yourselves a cup of tea, take a seat and give this read….or alternatively you could do whatever it is you normally fill your time with. Just know that whichever you choose I will drink my tea and judge you for not drinking yours.

So it is now November. I will once again attempt to grow my moustache in honor of this month, yet given a few biological obstacles i will no doubt fail again. I have been in Canada for two months. da fuck? Some of you may not even have known i was in Canada, nor may you have even noticed my absence, and yet here I am. I have come to Vancouver to continue my studies at UBC. The workload is intense, for some reason Mid-terms exist out here, the library is not 24 hours and Canadians have not discovered the benefits of using a coin under 5 cents. i’m not joking, they dont do 1,2,3 or 4 cent coins. so when i spend $5.87 on sushi and wait patiently for my change i am sadly disappointed. i am continually robbed of those 3 cents and it hurts.

To get you all up to date with my life so far i will give a brief overview of my activities:

first of all my entrance onto UBC soil was quite possibly the least graceful and the most stressful. i decided i would be a grown up and get the skytrain and bus instead of hopping into a taxi. That was mistake number 1 kids. When you have been awake for 20 hours, have no idea where you are going and you are carrying a huge rucksack, 2 small rucksacks and a suitcase bigger than yourself it is probably a good idea to just get in the bloody taxi. Alas no i thought i was strong. anyway so i managed to get onto campus, however i didnt have a map and had no bloody clue where my halls of residence was. apparantly the first ten people i asked for its location didnt know either. excellent. I wondered around in the scorching sun, oh yeah Vancouver was experiencing delightful weather, This was my first clue as to how huge this campus is. So i plodded on, attracting attention as i panted and melted, close to tears of frustration at this point. Then it goes worse, i tripped on my shoe and face planted. MAN DOWN, MAN DOWN. Due the enormous rucksack i was weighed down and i couldn’t get up so I rolled on the floor attempting to right myself. If you are struggling to picture the scene i imagine i looked like a turtle on its back only more pathetic. A concerned bunch of students had crowded around me and the man of my dreams held out his hand and pulled me up. Now if this was a movie, or someone else’s life that would have been the start of a beautiful love story. Alas this is my life, Isobel Miller’s series of unfortunate events, so instead of this Canadian beauty sweeping me up in his arms and saving the day he stared at me perplexed and i just burst into tears, attempted to say i was fine and then ran away. Far away with my tail between my legs. Canada may have defeated me then but in the words of Kelly Clarkson ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’

On a more positive note the sushi is fucking fantastic. i will never be able to get over how available, cheap and good the sushi is out here. If you are reading this thinking you don’t really like sushi, but your experience of sushi is limited to the realms of tesco meal deals or perhaps a slightly over priced sushi restaurant on England, then you are a fool and have never tried real sushi. Seriously sushi is so good that when i was faced with the serious dilemma of whether i would give up sex or sushi i was really stressed and saddened. i just pray that day never comes.

Since being here i have experienced my first ever american football game. It was shit. I’m not a fan. However i have also experienced my first ever ice hockey game. it was wonderful, i think i lost my head a little bit and i believe i started making up my own chants to show my support to the Thunderbirds. Oh and on that note i would like to draw my readers attention to the sheer disappointment my friends and i shared on discovering that our dear puppets the thunderbirds are not recognised out here. It is heart breaking when you shout ‘thunderbirds are go’ and nobody understands. Indeed i loved it so much i decided i must see a Canucks game (that is Vancouver’s team folks) so i have now booked that for my birthday!!!

So it is now a ridiculous hour in the morning so i must go to bed. However stay tuned for the real details of my activities out here. to wet your appetite a little bit i will give you a few topics that are included.

1. my trip to Seattle, 2. the battles with the kettle, 3. my experiences with Tinder (yes that’s right i got tinder and it is a hilarious game) 4. the time i somehow told an entire lecture hall of students i was lonely??? 5. alcohol fueled fun. 6. frats (the mystery behind the frat, reporter undercover enters frat house)

cheerio for now.


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