Tinder part 2- I still don’t understand this game is.

Oh tinder tinder tinder, what really is it designed for? Casual sex? Relationships? Bizarre conversations? Horny boys to say vulgar things? Ego boost or an ego dent? …..perhaps all of the above?

After 3 months of swiping I have come to the conclusion that tinder is really not working for me. Now this may be because my humor is just too advanced and cannot be conveyed via mere text, therefore these chaps are just not understanding that im actually bloody amusing? Or maybe they just want to say dirty things and for me to roll over and say “your vulgarity is so sexy, it has won me over, of course you can come round and shove your penis in my face you complete stranger……..NO put it away you cretin! Or perhaps it is because I myself have no idea what I am actually doing on tinder?

Anyway it is true that it is good for a giggle, where else can you match with Kermit the frog, Jon Snow, Chewie and to my delight Harry Potter himself.


Oh good i matched with a Wookiee


Could he be the one?


you know nothing Jon Snow


The chosen one could be “the one”???

Really though who sits at home and thinks oh I know what will be a hoot, I will go and set up a facebook profile for Kermit the frog so I can then make a tinder profile for dear Kermit and ….then what? Actually that does sounds like fun I might make one for Voldemort.

I have also had quite a few offers for a threesome, is there something about me that screams threesome??


No thanks because a) your relationship would be a reminder of my singleness and b) both of you would inevitably fall in love with me thereby ending your relationship

One request was so polite it was rather tempting, unfortunately after I turned down the offer the guy unmatched me before I could screen shot it (oh yeh that is another thing, I have been unmatched/blocked A LOT, I think I come across a tad rude? Well someone has to teach these hoodlums manners). Anyway the proposal went something like this:

“Hey there, how are you? My girlfriend and I are looking for someone to come and hang out with us. Get to know each other, talk a bit, play some board games, have a few drinks and just see where the evening takes us. hopefully ultimately ending in a threesome”

Oh how lovely! Well i do love board games but unfortunately the only threesome I partake in is between myself, my knitting and my cat and believe me there is nothing sexual in that!

so we have fictional characters, boys with girls who want more girls and next comes the boys who are living proof of why feminism is so important. (as much as i want to I am not going to go down the feminist line here because it will sidetrack me from my overall review of tinder, it will also have the effect of making me angry and annoyed and then I will have to go to bed with a cup of tea and contemplate life, but I recommend you take a look at this http://instagram.com/feministontinder it is really good and speaks loudly. this girl is on point! )

Some of the crap guys come up with is scary, i’m not sure if these comments are intended as a joke, as a way to get into my pants, are typed when drunk or are honestly what guys think we want to hear but alas they have said it anyway

boy 1 ” my dick is hard for you baby”

boy 2 “i’m ten inches”

boy 3: “i want to touch your booty”

this next one really confused me

boy 4:”inny or outy, btw i think both are beautiful”

my response: ” are you talking about belly buttons”?

Boy 4: ” vagina, like are you lips neatly tucked in or do they stick out a little trying to say hello to this confusing world”

ermmm……..what!? filth.

boy 5 ” do you look good naked, you seem like you would”

what does that even mean? yeh i look awesome naked sort of like a cross between that Kim Kardashian person and Beyonce mixed with Aphrodite…….

Anyway there are countless other examples but i cant be bothered to type them all out.

So its looking pretty bleak isnt it? so far none of these delightful creatures are quite what im after. However i should now say that i have actually met 3 guys from tinder. So all is not lost…..except it really is. The first guy turned out to be a complete arse wipe, seriously i mean having a vaginal prolapse would be less uncomfortable than ever being in this guys presence again. The second was actually a nice guy, i went out on a date with him because his opening line tickled me


although in England he would be calling me a 10/11……

but it soon became clear we have absolutely nothing in common, seriously though my ice hockey chat runs very thin after ten minutes. The third guy i did actually see a few times and have casual relations with…yes im talking about sex, but i soon decided i was wasting my time on that one, mostly because it was rather like ordering a pizza, preparing yourself for that pizza and then the pizza not showing up. The whole point of ordering a pizza is to eat the pizza, the whole point of a booty call is to get the booty…….ya catch my drift??

So although the tinder experiment is not yet at an end, maybe one day i will get something positive out of it or maybe i will learn about the realities of stranger danger. either way i will probably find myself from time to time swiping left and occasionally right, mostly just to look at pictures of dogs and cats. But for now tinder i’m afraid i would rather sit at home on my own and knit tiny hats for cats then have one more conversation with a complete and utter cretin who im almost 100% sure does not have a ten inch penis.


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