So I did this year abroad thing and like found myself while I was travelling. I mean i just had this totally profound, eye – opening moment when i was staring down into the Grand Canyon and BOOM i figured out the meaning of life and my purpose on this beautiful planet………..
yeahhhh not quite mate.
In fact I have returned home and slotted straight back into life as though nothing at all has changed. I still have absolutely no idea what im going to do after i graduate, im also not even sure why im doing a philosophy degree. Everywhere i look my friends are getting married, pregnant, in relationships, graduating and starting new jobs. Yet here i sit in my dads house, with about ten pounds to my name and an extremely needy cat sat on the desk blocking the computer screen. So this is my question to everyone, is it all just an act, a facade that everybody is carrying out a lot better than i am? Does anyone actually know what they are doing? I cant be the only person who has no bloody clue what they are doing? Admittedly i probably am in the minority of people who spend more time talking to their cat than human people, but cats are less judgemental.
There are two questions, well topics of conversations actually, which have started to irk me even more than ever now. The first is whenever anyone asks me what i plan to do after uni. By going abroad i added a year to my degree, that means i actually would have gradutated this week if i had stayed in England, Congrats to everyone who has gradutated by the way, but all i can think is ‘thank goodness i pissed off for a year because what in merlins name would i be doing with my life now!?’ I have actually started giving different answers to questions about my future, sometimes i say i want to do a masters, i want to be a writer, or go into the world of Academia, or just be a spinster with cats. Truthfully i have no answer. ask me again in 10 years time and i probably still wont have an answer or maybe i will have already built my army of cats. who knows?!
The second topic of conversation concerns my relationship status. People ask if im STILL single (always the emphasis on still), friends want to know if i dated anyone while away, if im dating anyone now, complete stangers ask why im single. A stranger in the pub said that i am an attractive young woman so must surely have a boyfriend. Clearly a girl my age must have something wrong with them if they dont have a boyfriend!? what else would a girl do to fill the lonely void which is normally filled by the perfect guy………
Well yes i am STILL single. there are many reasons for this, 1 being that im a lazy cow who can’t be bothered to make the effort, the other is that im a crazy bitch, but really aren’t we all a bit crazy!? I am single now, just as i have been for the past 21 years but in a different way to how i was single 1 year ago, or 2, or 3 years ago. That may seem like an odd statement, how can being single now be any different from being single a few years ago, surely being single is just being single…. right??…….. Wrong! I was single a few years ago because I was incapable of feeling anything for any guy, i didnt know how to trust a guy and i hadnt ‘fancied’ anyone in a very long time because i honestly didnt know how. I didnt know how to cope with being myself let alone letting anyone else be part of that, a part of me. The best part about going away for the year was that i learnt a lot, no not about my degree (sorry parents) but about who i am and the kind of person i want to be. For the first time in a very long time i actually understood what it meant to have feelings for someone, i finally understood that having someone be part of your life could be a good thing, and that people can be trusted. No i wasnt in a relationship, nor did i even have strong feelings for anyone. This was just something i realised by being on my own and liking it. As a ‘sexually liberated woman’ i am used to other people’s judgements and opinions, calling me a ‘slut’ doesnt insult me, it makes me pity the person who cant understand that i make my own decisions and enjoy it. I never pretend to be anyone else or anything else and enjoy the hell out of it.
so yeah i didnt figure out the meaning of life while exploring the Canadian Rockies, or find my spirit animal lurking in the desert. But i did find out that releasing my nipples in random places and dancing in the middle of the road in death valley with a pack of weirdos is better than pretending to know the answer to questions i have no bloody idea how to answer. so while you digest this slightly odd blog im going to have a cup of tea and do some knitting.