There is an Orgy in my Bathroom

I woke up this morning at half 7, a time which most adults may consider a lie in but for me it is an ungodly hour at which time I feel like a slug.

Sluggish: ‘slow-moving or inactive’

Yes you can certainly describe me as sluggish, especially at 7am. However while i may enjoy referring to myself as a slug in order to describe my slow and lazy mannerisms this does not mean I want to be a slug and befriend slugs. So as I crawled downstairs to the bathroom, drowsily stumbling through the kitchen I was suddenly confronted by a puddle. No i didn’t have my wellies on because yes this puddle was inside my house. That’s right the roof is leaking. Oh well, never mind, i have stepped in worst things. So moving on I shove open the door into the bathroom, i say shove because i really do have to launch my full weight onto the door just to open it, it seems the wood has swollen, probably as a sign of protest or perhaps to show the puddle who is boss, I’m not sure. Anyway, I lean over the sink ready to splash water on to my face when I see I have company.

Seven slugs have taken refuge in my sink. Weird baby slugs who did not move when i asked them to. They have sent out their change of address cards and have settled into their new life in my sink. When I returned to the sink at lunch time the slugs were gone, i thought that a more able house mate had dealt with the situation, perhaps communicated in a way that slugs could understand and begged them to leave. Alas no! When I went back for my evening wash/teeth brushing i noticed the little buggers had come back in full force. I am now convinced that they are everywhere in the house planning a full on attack. Humans Vs slugs. The end is nigh.

Have you ever seen slugs mating? It is weird, strangely mesmerising, but on the whole disturbing. If you have never witnessed such a feat of nature here is picture.

If a picture alone is not enough type into Google ‘David Attenborough – slugs mating’ and you will find an excellent video capturing the moment. I am now fully away of their filthy antics, I know that the slugs are multiplying, they are fornicating in the bath, oozing and secreting next to my toothbrush. There is a god damn orgy in my bloody bathroom and their spawn are using the sink as their private paddling pool. The slugs have a more active sex life than myself and they are mocking me with their sexual shenanigans. Bastards.

Anyway if anyone has bothered to carry on reading you are probably thinking i have gone insane, or perhaps wondering where the shrooms come into this. Well my friends the shrooms have been with us for a while. Not the fun lets take shrooms and trip fucking balls’ type but the ‘im growing in your bathroom and will probably be the death of you’ type of mushrooms. I have Shrooms and Slugs. So my point is I am so sick of living in a mouldy, wet, cold slug infested, shroom inhabited crack den! I want a fucking fire-place, a balcony, an oven that doesn’t try to burn me every time i light it, I want a fruit bowl with fake fruit in it just to confuse the hell out of people and I want an endless supply of teaspoons in the kitchen drawer.

So in conclusion i no longer wish to be a student living in a student house. I would like to live in a nice comfortable home, with a warm cosy bed, no slugs, no mould and with a whole shelf of beautiful teapots which nobody but myself uses. How do I achieve this……..Dad or Mum, I’m moving back home to Chichester, West Sussex, The United Kingdom, The planet Earth, The Universe.

Bugger that. If you can’t beat them, join them. Excuse me while I go fester in an empty bath tub surrounded by slugs and eating shrooms.

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